Thamle
by HamletRemastered
Summary: A Parody/Modern English Interpretation of Shakespeare's 'Hamlet'
1. Act I

FOREWORD

This play, while being completely standalone from Hamlet, is entirely unique in that while being a modern english interpretation it is by no means a substitute for Hamlet, as it is to an extent a parody, with different characters in a different time in a different place with bad puns and references scattered throught. (Hence it's being comedic)

**THAMLE**

**A Brief Tragic-Historic-Parodic-Comedic-Pastoral Play**

{Scene 1}

_Enter Henry and Guillaume, two guardsmen. _

HENRY Who's there?

GUILLAUME Who is he who is asking?

HENRY A guardsman of the warehouse, beware foul knave! _Brandishes saber_

GUILLAUME Tis I!

HENRY Guillaume?

GUILLAUME Indeed! The watch is mine, compatriot, and I would suggest you rest your weary thoughts.

HENRY Many thanks, it's too cold for my blood, and I feel tired to my being.

GUILLAUME Had you a quiet night?

HENRY I encountered a knave this night, but he fled upon your approach.

GUILLAUME Hit you the drink again? No matter. Should you encounter Matt or Gabriel on your journey, bid them be quick.

_Enter Matt and Gabriel. _

HENRY Wait! I hear the return of the knave! Unfurl yourself unto us, for we are now two!

GABRIEL Curse your addled brain Henry! Tis Matt and Gabriel, and we make no appearance to hide the fact.

MATT Your fellow guards, in the case your flask be empty.

GUILLAUME Good night, good gentlemen.

HENRY Guillaume has my place. I bid you a successful watch, and mark! There's a thief about!

_Henry exits. _

GUILLAUME Say, is Gabriel present in full?

MATT In part. His brain is slightly addled a'well, but more due to the thought of the night than that of the flask.

GABRIEL Have you anything to show for your watch of yet?

GUILLAUME As of yet, alack. The stars are not yet aligned, but shall be soon.

MATT Gabriel says we ourselves were chained to the liquor the night the event unfolded in our midst.

GUILLAUME Poppycock! How would a guard garner the capital to afford such a thing, and why imbibe on? Such a thing only ends badly.

GABRIEL As it may yet, should you be disproven.

GUILLAUME Set down, stay awhile, and humor us in our attempt to turn you.

GABRIEL All is as it will be, and I trust you understand the matter at hand Frenchman.

GUILLAUME This is an armed guard, and I warrant you bide your tongue until aprés the fact.

GABRIEL Very well, let us see what shall become of this.

GUILLAUME Not just last night, but the night before were we assailed by a vision of the late employer the king Thamle.

GABRIEL Ha! It shan't appear.

MATT But look! There! It rises!

_Atop a rock to the left a spirit appears. _

GABRIEL My, look, it does make its presence known. Speak! Will you not speak? What art thou? It looks very familiar indeed it looks.

MATT See? Very much like the employer does it look.

GUILLAUME It must know something of our fate! Long have spirits looked down upon our world, and I would abide that they know an ounce or two of foreshadow as to the destiny of the realm.

MATT Long have I been a guard of this realm, and t'see something of this bodes my organs not well.

GUILLAUME But why does it stand? Why would not it speak? Are we so insignificant as for it to pass over in its entirety?

GABRIEL. The light of the lamp lingers. I can see aright. Must be that it needs a show of power. Matt, make your arm known.

_Gunshot_

MATT But alack! It flees! We proceed foolishly, offering the air naught but a blow.

GABRIEL Pursue it! It could be a fountain of fortune should we contain it!

_Rooster crows_

GABRIEL Tis gone. It is much like the late Thamle, but notice how it fled upon hearing the crow. They say those doomed to stalk the earth must return to whence they appeared from hence the cock crows.

MATT How now, Gabriel? How does your addled brain fare with what has transpired?

GABRIEL It seems you were correct in your conclusion, that like a magician it has come and gone again.

GUILLAUME Do you not think it to be real? Magicians may appear at will, but never have I seen one transparent as a jelly from the coast.

GABRIEL Very much do I believe it to be real. I speak of the purpose of the ghost. It may not concern us, and therefore it will not speak to us. We should inform his kin of what has transpired, and hope they do not condemn us to asylum.

GUILLAUME Indeed, but now whom among us can inform me of why it appears at such an inopportune era? We have much to worry on.

GABRIEL That can I. Word flows through the cracks that the hostile barbarians surrounding us are preparing even now for assaults on our good people, no doubt with intent to scalp. Tis why the constant convoys arrive daily from the east, laden with arms and ordnance from abroad. Tis why the men train all days of the week, even when holy duties call. Much is afoot in the surroundings of Ohio that we are not privy to. Some of our trading partners in the East have stopped buying goods for fear of never receiving. Meanwhile, while we be tolerant of the French to the West and the South, they seek to reclaim their lost land that Thamle drove them from. The old French governor, Louis in likeness of the king did he lose it over fair contract. Now, both Louis and Thamle being prematurely dead, the contract comes due to Louis' next of kin, yet so integrated into the company it is it cannot be given, for it is the very land upon which the company is built. The dealers knowing this now play for a loss while the neighbors are envious, and there is fear of those who would work against us from within.

GUILLAUME All is not well in the Ohio River Trading Company.

GABRIEL Indeed. We should go tell young Thamle, and perhaps the spirit will speak to him if it not speak to us. Luckily, I know exactly where to find him.

_Exit_

{Scene 2}

_Enter Merchant Edward, Elizabeth, Thamle, David, and James, Jonathan and Charlie. _

EDWARD While we may be sorrowful over Thamle's death, we are not here to mourn him. Nay, Tis a time of celebration when one marries so fine a woman as Elizabeth! Now, on to business. We bear with us a letter from Louis, heir to the contract, demanding that we return the land, or he will attempt to expel us by force in order to restore the land to his own ownership. Now, Louis is not contractor of the land, his old impotent uncle, Claude is. We contain with us another letter written skillfully by ourself addressed to Claude informing him that his nephew has raised an army from his pool of guards that should be elsewhere protecting his people from the savages. Now, when he reads our letter I suspect he will not be pleased with his nephew's actions, and that he will be most wrathful.

_Applause_

Now, David, James, I beg you be our emissaries to our rival and bid you be quick.

DAVID&amp;JAMES We will, Edward.

EDWARD Now, on to other matters. How bide you,Jonathan?

JONATHAN Very well, my lord. I would, however, ask your permission that my son, Charlie, be allowed free passage back to Pennsylvania.

EDWARD Leaving so soon, Charlie? What could cause such an uproar to our state.

CHARLIE I wish to return to school in Pittsburgh, where I can continue my studies. If you remember, I returned to bear witness to Thamle's procession, but that duty being done, I yearn to turn my mind to studies.

EDWARD Go with my blessing young Charlie, and forget not to tell your sister goodbye.

CHARLIE Many thanks. In time, I hope to return to the company with a profession.

EDWARD I look forward to it, but take your time and enjoy the process. And now, my cousin and son Thamle,

THAMLE _aside _A little more kin than kind.

EDWARD Why do you still grieve for your father? Has he not received enough sorrow from others? He would not approve of this, and this you know.

THAMLE I wear my grief like a cloak, easily cast off when I would wish.

ELIZABETH Well then, cast it off! Look at the friends that surround you, life will return to normal, and you know that all must die eventually.

THAMLE Indeed mother.

ELIZABETH So why does this one linger with you?

THAMLE He was my father. My grief is much more than that which is embroidered on mine cloak. If thou wish of me to be with mine own friends, I will hasten to Pittsburg, and join Charlie in his studies.

EDWARD While you may wish to return, we think it best that you remain here, and learn from experience rather than books.

ELIZABETH Yes Thamle, we plead you stay in the watchful eye of our company.

THAMLE Very well, madam.

EDWARD This grief is a reflection upon your soul, and while commendable in nature, is wholly unmanly grief. Come Elizabeth, my heart sings with joy of this newfound news.

_Exit all but Thamle _

THAMLE Oh, but my grief burns with such heat that my flesh would melt and leave me in but a puddle. If only the almighty had not fixed hisself against self slaughter it would. O God! Why must he conspire against his creation? I have sinned and sinned again, yet my rage still overboils. How fast was my mother to rush to incestuous sheets! Yet here we are, with my father not yet two months dead, and how he loved her so. Had the heavens permitted he would have climbed to the moon and back to shower her with the glorious ether of the heavens. But let me not think on happy times. Oh! Frailty, thy name be woman! And yet, marry she did my uncle, who is less alike to my father than I to Hercules! It will not come to good, and yet I must hold my tongue at observance of daily sin.

_Enter Guillaume, Matt, and Gabriel _

GABRIEL Greetings, my lord!

THAMLE Oh please, I am no lord and yet you would greet me as one. Even so, I am heartened by your arrival, and yours' as well Matt, Guillaume. Tell me, what would bring you hither?

GABRIEL I did come forth from school for the procession of the late Thamle.

THAMLE Do not try to lie to me. I think you came hence for my mother's ceremony.

GABRIEL They were at each others' heels indeed.

THAMLE I am afraid I also bear Ill news. I have been forbade to return with you to Pittsburg, and here shall be contained.

GABRIEL While the news saddens me I did not come here to discuss school but rather your father.

THAMLE Indeed. I think oft of him, and sometimes think I see him in my minds eye.

GABRIEL I come with the belief that I too have seen him since his passing.

THAMLE My father? Do not jest, Gabriel.

GUILLAUME Tis true! Thrice in the past week have we observed his arrival, he has made his presence known at night before the gates of the granaries.

THAMLE Did any of you think to speak to it?

GABRIEL Aye, but no answer did it make.

THAMLE In what likeness did it dress?

GABRIEL Dressed the same as he looked before the march on the village.

THAMLE So you could see his face?

GABRIEL I could.

THAMLE How did he seem? Angry, sad, afraid? Was he red or pale?

GABRIEL It was of a red tint, yet it seemed more in sadness than in anger.

THAMLE Dressed for battle, red, but with an aura of sadness. This does not bode well. When did you see him? Where?

GABRIEL Afront the warehouses when the new star came round the sky into the constellation.

THAMLE I will meet you there between eleven and twelve, and hopefully it shall speak.

MATT I wager it would.

_Exit all but Thamle _

This does not bode well, and I would expect some foul play be afoot. Should he prove himself my father I will listen, but should it be a messenger from hell itself I will not appease it.

_Exit_

{Scene 3}

A room in Jonathan's house

Enter Charlie and Eva

CHARLIE I have packed my necessities and am ready to embark! Do promise you will write, Eve.

EVA Do you think I wouldn't?

CHARLIE Promise me you will view Thamle with a weary eye and to watch yourself. Love like his is never lasting, Eve. I would hate to see you be hurt.

EVA I will take your advice to heart. But good brother, do not attempt to overtake my joy in your own weariness. Now farewell, and I wish you all the best in your business afar!

CHARLIE We do tarry, and here approaches our father.

_Enter Jonathan_

JONATHAN Do come along now Charlie! The caravans will leave without you, this you know. Now go! My blessing is with thee.

CHARLIE Most humbly do I take my escape, father, and thank you. Farewell Eve, and remember what I told you.

EVE Worry not about me, dear brother, and close shall I keep your counsel.

_Exit Charlie_

JONATHAN What is it he hath said to you, Eve?

EVE It was concerning Thamle, father.

JONATHAN Indeed! He has admitted to me that he has spent much of his private time with you, time which you as my daughter have been far too willing to reciprocate in kind. What is between you? Do not lie to me, girl.

EVE He has made his affection known to me quite often lately.

JONATHAN Affection! Hah! What do you know of affection that I possibly could not? Do you believe he truly favors you?

EVE I know not what to think on this.

JONATHAN If you knew what you should it would be ingrained that these gestures of affection are not faultless, and you should watch yourself more carefully. You would render me a fool!

EVE He has been nothing other than a gentleman to me father!

JONATHAN Ha. From now on, as is your duty to me, you will return all his letters and "gestures" of affection, and shall allow yourself no time with him. I do not wish to see you hurt, Eve. Look to it now, we shall change your ways together.

EVE I shall obey, mon pére.

{Scene 4}

Out front of the warehouses

_Enter Thamle, Gabriel, Guillaume, and Matt_

GABRIEL The air bites voraciously, Tis so cold as to be scalding.

THAMLE Indeed. The very air itself is perturbed. What is the hour now?

GUILLAUME Tis now twelve.

_Sounds of celebration have begun_

What means this?

THAMLE Mine uncle begins his celebration. He drinks and makes merry so as to enunciate his recent accomplishments.

MATT Is it a custom?

THAMLE That it is, but not of mine. These frontiersmen, so they themselves call, drink into a stupor and so leave themselves unguarded against the frontier, and slander against the true frontiers reputation.

GABRIEL Look! There it comes!

_Enter Ghost_

THAMLE Oh, heavens above I preclude thee! Be you a foul apparition or that which was once my father, I'll speak to you. Speak! Speak I charge you! Say, what does it now?

GUILLAUME It does beckon you!

GABRIEL It seems impatient, but do hasten to caution! Do not go with it!

THAMLE It does not speak, so I shall follow it.

MATT Please, do not!

THAMLE Why not? I do not give up my life easily, you know.

GABRIEL But what if it leads you off yonder bridge? Would thou follow?

THAMLE Look! It beckons!

GUILLAUME I cannot let you go.

GABRIEL You shall not go!

THAMLE But my fate cries out to me! I must go! Do not follow me!

_Exit Thamle and Ghost_

GUILLAUME We should follow. This is one thing in which we cannot obey him.

{Scene 5}

Behind the Warehouse

_Enter Ghost and Thamle _

THAMLE Speak! Please, I beseech you! I shall not travel farther!

GHOST Will you listen?

THAMLE Yes.

GHOST It is almost time again to retreat back into the flames in which I reside during the day, so listen well.

THAMLE Poor spirit!

GHOST Pity me not, just listen.

THAMLE I am bound by my consciousness to listen.

GHOST As you will be to avenge once you have heard.

THAMLE Sorry, what?

GHOST I am truly thy father's spirit, doom'd to watch fates unfold till the sins committed in the daytime are burned away. I could tell you things of my prison that would make your eyes pop out, but am forbade to do so. If ever you did love me-

THAMLE O God!

GHOST Avenge his most foul and most unnatural murder.

THAMLE His?

GHOST Aye, his lying incestuous self that has seduced thy mother and rendered you a fool, Thamle.

THAMLE My own uncle?

GHOST The same. Whilst I was sleeping in he crept with care, and bit me with the venom of a snake, so poisonous in nature that once in my ear it could not be stopped. And thus was I killed most unnaturally, with my sins on display before the Sunday. Adieu! Adieu! Bonsoir, mon royal, and remember me.

_Exit_

THAMLE Oh fie! I knew t'was something foul in temperament. But why spoke he in French, language of that our rival? He did not mean insult of me, of that I can be certain. I must record of his words so as not to create forgeries.

_Writing _

_Enter Guillaume and Matt_

GUILLAUME Thamle!

MATT Thamle! Quick Guillaume, as thou art closer, secure him!

THAMLE There is no need. I present myself fully, and have quite the tale to tell.

GUILLAUME Tell it upon us!

THAMLE I cannot, as you would reveal.

GUILLAUME We would hasten not to!

THAMLE There lies an errant knave, erroneous in his actions, whom lies in hiding.

MATT There need no ghost be seen to remind us of this.

THAMLE Quite right, which is why I would suggest we shake hands and part ways wearily.

GABRIEL This is quite sudden, and what you have said spins by as if on wings.

THAMLE I'm sorry if my lack of sound offends.

GABRIEL There is no offense.

THAMLE Yes, there is. Now, promise me one thing.

GABRIEL What?

THAMLE Not to project what it is you have seen here.

GUILLAUME We will not.

THAMLE Swear it, just to humor.

MATT Indeed, I swear 't!

GUILLAUME I swear on it a'well!

THAMLE Swear it upon my rapier!

GABRIEL We have sworn ourselves already.

THAMLE Swear it upon my sword if thou hast ever loved me!

_Ghost _SWEAR.

THAMLE A Ha! And so the presence is clarified to you; I beseech you again, swear!

_Ghost _SWEAR.

GABRIEL Propose an oath that we might swear on't!

_Ghost _SWEAR.

THAMLE Indeed, you will never speak of what has been seen here or of involvement thereupon.

_Ghost _SWEAR.

THAMLE Quickly now, on my sword.

_Ghost _SWEAR.

THAMLE Well said, old man! You can do wonders for a man's morale from within the crust. Let us now go, friends.

GABRIEL This will be a night to remember, strange indeed.

THAMLE A night to remember but not to be spoken of upon which to be spoken of you shall remember the ground and he shall in all certainty remember of, of that I can assure. Besides, as you being no stranger yourself to strange should see it welcomed. There is more truth in religon that you could have imagined. But onwards, from hence forth I shall act queerly, and would demand of you not to discuss it with the royals, no nods or secret winks, nay, nothing will symbolize your knowledge of this event. Swear it upon my rapier.

_Ghost _SWEAR.

THAMLE Give it a break! Save your strength for the fires, spirit.

_They swear_

THAMLE Come, let us go forth.

_Exit_


	2. Act II

{Scene 1}

One of Jonathan's mansions

_Enter Jonathan and Franklin_

JONATHAN Make sure he finds this money so as to not believe it is I who furnishes him, Franklin.

FRANKLIN Have no fear. Money is easily lost in Philadelphia.

JONATHAN You would gain my favour if you were to inquire of his behavior and actions while you are there.

FRANKLIN Great minds do indeed think alike, as I had intended already to do so.

JONATHAN Very well said. While you are there inquire also of the girls' houses, and make note if they know him or not, and if so whom and at what price. If they catch on, you will merely tell them you are a family friend. Mark you this?

FRANKLIN Yes, very well.

JONATHAN If he partake of such wild sport be sure to discredit him, mark, not enough to dishonour him, just enough to scare him away from it.

FRANKLIN A fun game, my lord.

JONATHAN If it comes to it say you caught him drinking, fencing, or quarrelling.

FRANKLIN I thought you had ordered not to dishonour him?

JONATHAN In faith. Do not make a royal scandal out of a girl, but he does not scare easily either. Now, what was I about to say?

FRANKLIN Something along adaptive slander, I do surmise.

JONATHAN Indeed, but slander be such an ugly word. Tell the conjugate of what he does, but tell it in a way that scares without slandering. You understand, do you not?

FRANKLIN Indeed, I do.

JONATHAN God be with you, and long live the king.

FRANKLIN May God be with you as well.

_Exit Franklin, Enter Eve_

JONATHAN How goes it, Eve?

EVE Oh father! I am so afraid I know not what t' do!

JONATHAN By what dear one?

EVE Whilst I practiced my embroidery, he, he hath approached me in good faith, but was of a horrendous appearance, his wig askew, his shoes unbuckled, he made a marvelous racket, and his shirt with stains down the front-

JONATHAN And what then?

EVE He grabbed me by the limb, and forcefully did he stare at me, just stood there, and offered up a deep and hideous sigh as if he meant to cause a quake!

JONATHAN Come. There is one person who can overrule this young rascal. Let us go before Edward, who can, if nothing else, cut off his allowance thereby restricting his time to you. We shall see this matter resolved soon, fret not. Have you spoken I'll towards him of late? I am sorry this has happened, darling.

EVE No! But I did as you demanded and did deny all his letters and access to me of late!

JONATHAN And that hath made the Gugalanna angry. I am sorry I had not used better judgment and allowed him to see the current treasure of his eye, as I feared he only trifled with you, and would discard as soon as another came along. Let us go to see the authority on the matter, and beseech intervention.

{Scene 2)

Inside the trade center

_Enter Edward, Elizabeth, John and Jéan _

EDWARD Welcome both John and Jéan! Know that while we have longed to see you recent accounts have forced our summons. You may have heard a tad about Thamle's behaviour, and being such close friends of his we had hoped you might entreat yourselves to his company and discover the source of denial, as it isn't just a river, is it, gentlemen? We wish to know if we can tame the water that would engulf him, and you being his friends of young age but whom have drifted apart could see nobody better for the task a' hand.

ELIZABETH Yes good gentlemen, nary an ugly word has he said of you, and I know that he would adhere to you like a soldier to his gun! If you can serve as would fit a king, a king's remembrance shall you be granted, I might add.

JOHN&amp; JEAN We will both obey, and give ourselves up in full to be a tool of your desires.

EDWARD We thank you, John and Jean.

ELIZABETH Indeed, thank you, and I would ask of you to pay visit to my too changed already son. Someone, take him to wherever Thamle sulketh.

JOHN We shall make ourselves useful to both you and him!

ELIZABETH I would hope so!

_Exit John, Jean, and attendants_

_Enter Jonathan_

JONATHAN The Ambassadors have returned for the West, my good sovereign.

EDWARD You prove yourself again to be the bearer of good news.

JONATHAN I have? I would first assure you that I treat my duties as I would mine own soul, and treat my sovereign as my God: Being said, I do believe I have found the source of Thamle's disturbance.

EDWARD Do tell, of that I long to hear.

JONATHAN First allow admittance to the ambassadors, my news shall be the crown of the feast.

_Exit Jonathan_

He does claim to know the source of Thamle's lunacy.

ELIZABETH I doubt it be anything other than the main cause, his father's death and our perhaps too hasty marriage.

EDWARD Well, we shall put his fears to rest.

_Re-enter Jonathan, with David and James_

Welcome good friends! What news from our french friends?

JAMES They send their most fair greetings and tides of their desires. Upon hearing of our message, he sent out to suppress his nephew's levies, which he was told was an expeditionary force 'gainst the savages; but, better looked into, he found it was truly against us, at which point he cursed his foolishness and bode his nephew come, at which point he was refuted and told to come to him. So being, he sent out an arrest and was then promptly obeyed, and Louis received a harsh rebuke and promised not to attack your majesty again, at which point old Claude, so overjoyed, offered 2 million francs in annual fee as commission to employ these men against the savages to the west, and enclosed another treaty requesting your permission to travel through our domain for this operation.

EDWARD Why, this likes us well, and we shall discuss and read further on't later. We humbly thank you both for your service in this regard,now, go to your rest and tonight we shall hold a massive feast!

_Exit James and David_

JONATHAN A good end to an uncertain business, and now we arrive at my purpose. Think on this, I have a daughter who, in her obedience, has delivered to me this letter:

"To the apple of my eye, the most beautiful Eve" That's a horrid phrase, vile indeed to use the term "beautiful" in such a context, but you shall hear further. "In her excellent white bosom-"

ELIZABETH This was given to her by Thamle?

JONATHAN Worry not madam, I shall finish, "You may doubt that the sun is bright, You may doubt truth and call it lies, you may even doubt that the bodies in the sky move, but never doubt that I love you. I love you and only you, the thought of losing you makes me faint at heart. Adieu. Yours only and forever yours, Thamle." This, in her obedience, is what she has delivered to me. I hear and see all that occurs between them.

EDWARD How has she felt towards his advances?

JONATHAN What do you think of me?

EDWARD A man of faith and honour.

JONATHAN I would that I would prove it. But what would you do, if you had seen this hot, mad, and wildly misplaced love as I had perceived it? Would you have stood by as events against your being unfolded before you? I naturally told my one and only daughter, the pride of my patrimony, that "Thamle is out of your league and should not be pursued." Then I bade her cut off her contact with him and receive no letters or gifts from her. After she had done so, he fell into depression, then wouldn't eat, which led to weakness, which led to a lightening of the mind, and therefore into the madness where he is now confined, and whom we now all are concerned for.

EDWARD Do you think it is so?

ELIZABETH It is possible.

JONATHAN Has there been a time in which I have said tis so when it is not?

EDWARD Not of which I am knowing. How may we inquire about this?

JONATHAN He ambles for hours in the courtyards, you know.

ELIZABETH Indeed.

JONATHAN When he is in such a state again I will let loose my daughter unto him and meanwhile we shall be hiding in wait behind and shall mark the encounter, if he doesn't love her and she is not the reason for his falling into madness, do not strip my rank and position of me.

EDWARD We shall try.

ELIZABETH Look, here he comes, but at least he is reading.

JONATHAN Away, quickly I do beseech, I will confront him.

_Exit Edward and Elizabeth, enter Thamle, reading._

How are you, my good Thamle?

THAMLE Well, who goes there?

JONATHAN Do you not recognize me?

THAMLE Indeed, you are the peasant stable attendant.

JONATHAN Not I.

THAMLE I wish only that you were an honest man.

JONATHAN Honest! Think you not before you speak?

THAMLE Aye peasant, they say to be honest is to be one in ten thousand.

JONATHAN Aye, that tis true.

THAMLE But now that you have stated as such, can I be one to believe it? But wait, if the maggots breed by the sun in the dead carrion, but the sun is a god- Do you have a daughter, peasant?

JONATHAN I have.

THAMLE Do not let her socialize. Conception is a blessing: but not if it be her who conceives. Look to it, Sirrah.

JONATHAN (Aside) What can one say to that? He still recognizes my daughter through me, yet he could not recognize me if his life depended on it. He said I was a stable boy, and he is gone, far gone, but truly in my youth did I suffer from such pangs of love, very near driving me to the very same as he hath reached.

What are you reading, good Thamle?

THAMLE Words, words. Words! My good stableman, the likes of which are beyond your ability to understand.

JONATHAN What is the matter?

THAMLE The matter between whom?

JONATHAN I mean, of what do you read?

THAMLE I read of slanderous accounts of an old man who bumped his head and could not get up in the morning, with his face all wrinkled and eyes dark and soft, the pouches dark and filled with age with a mouth-full of teeth made up entirely of gums, all of which while being true of your typical old man, though I hold it not to heart, as you are older than I and yet you see in the vision of vultures while I fly backwards.

JONATHAN (Aside) While it is clearly madness, there is some shred of logic embedded within.

Will you walk out of the air?

THAMLE Into my own grave.

JONATHAN Indeed, that is out of the air. (Aside) How thoughtful his whims seem to be! There is present a happiness which fuels the madness, which unfortunately the reason and sanity are not receiving. I will leave him, and plan the meeting between he and my daughter. -I will take my leave of you, and leave you to ponder your words.

THAMLE You cannot take from me anything else that I would rather part with, except my life.

JONATHAN Fare you well, Thamle.

_Exit Jonathan_

THAMLE What a tedious old fool! He cannot see the truth when spoken straight to him.

_Enter John and Jean_

JONATHAN There is Thamle, go speak to him.

JEAN May God save you, sir!

_Exit Jonathan_

JOHN My most honored friend!

JEAN My best of friends in all the world!

THAMLE Ah, John et Jean! Good boys, how hast thou fared?

JOHN&amp;JEAN The same as ever, happy, but not too happy mind you, and have ur share from the cup of fortune.

THAMLE Ah! Tell me, is she for you a sweet wine or a darkened ale?

JOHN Aye, more alike an ale than a wine.

THAMLE What's the news?

JOHN None new to you, but that the world has grown honest since last we spoke.

THAMLE Then doomsday truly is near: but fortunately your news is not true. Let me ask you, why have you travelled to the rim of the cup of fortune to visit this horrid place?

JEAN Horrid? Why say you that?

THAMLE Ohio itself is one massive prison. The colonials to the East, the French to the West, the savages clawing at the sides, and my family all about me.

JOHN Well then, the entire world is a prison for you, isn't it?

THAMLE Some parts better than others, but Ohio being one of the worst.

JEAN We think not so.

THAMLE Good for you. It must seem a blessing to be a warden, but to me it is a prison.

JOHN It is only so if you believe it to be so!

THAMLE Shall we advance?

JEAN We'll wait upon you.

THAMLE I will not mix you in with the other servants, even though I am dreadfully pursed to do so. In other matters, tell me as a friend, what brings you to Ohio?

JOHN To visit you, no other such occasion would bring us forth to a "prison", as you say.

THAMLE Poor as I am I am even poor in thanks, but tell me now the reasoning. Were you not sent for? Is it truly of your own inclination that you wished to visit? Come, do not try to fool me, speak up.

JEAN What do you wish to hear us say?

THAMLE Why, anything, so long as you would admit being sent for, as there is a look of guilt lingering on you even now, as you have not enough craft to colour your feelings: I know my parents sent for you.

JOHN To what end?

THAMLE Sometimes must the student be the teacher. Tell me now as our friendship relies on it, were you sent for, or not?

JEAN (to John) What say you?

THAMLE (aside) If ever they did like me, they are required to speak the truth.

JEAN We were sent for.

THAMLE I shall tell you now the reason for my "disease' to prevent your discovery and subsequent allocation to my parents. I have of late -but why, I know not- lost all my joy, stopped exercising, and indeed the entire Earth seems like a prison to me. What a piece of work is man! how noble in reason! how infinite in faculty! in form and moving how express and admirable! in action how like an angel! in apprehension how like a god! the beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? man delights not me: no, nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.

JOHN We had no such thoughts.

THAMLE Why then did you laugh upon hearing 'man delights not me'?

JEAN We laughed in irony, at ourselves. We have brought forth actors, my friend, whom we had hoped could entertain you and you them.

THAMLE Which actors?

JOHN Even those whom you currently delight in, the tragedians of the city.

THAMLE How are they? Have they grown rusty?

JEAN No, their constant practice on other audiences can assure of that.

_Flourish of trumpets_

Those would be the actors.

THAMLE Gentlemen, gentlemen! You are welcome here to the company, come now, it is only polite of me to give you garments for you trials; and you are welcome, but my fathcle and aunther are deceived.

JOHN In what?

THAMLE I am only mad when the wind blows from the north-north-west, when the wind is from elsewhere my mind is as sharp as a hacksaw.

_Enter Jonathan _

JONATHAN Hi Ho and Welcome merry gentlemen!

THAMLE Listen gentlemen, that man is naught more than a baby, and is yet to grow out of his diapers.

JEAN They do say an old man is twice a child.

THAMLE I do prophecize that he is arrived to tell me of the arrival of the actors.

JONATHAN Thamle do I have news for you!

THAMLE But my stable man! I have news for you a'swell! Rome did fall long ago!

JONATHAN The actors have come forward.

THAMLE Oh, pish pish!

JONATHAN By my word-

THAMLE And so came each actor being dragged upon his rear-

JONATHAN They are the best actors in the world, whether for tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral, tragic-historical, tragic-comic-historical-pastoral, or even Tragic-Historic-Parodic-Comedic-Pastoral. Hamlet is not too heavy nor The Shrew too light, if you want credible actors, these are the only ones.

THAMLE What a brilliant treasure you have!

JONATHAN What treasure are you referring to?

THAMLE Why, you have a daughter.

JONATHAN (Aside) And still he talks on my daughter.

THAMLE Well, am I right?

JONATHAN I do have a daughter whom I love well.

_Enter players_

THAMLE Ah. Sirrah, take these fine men to their rooms. I wish to speak with the troup leader.

_Exit all but Thamle and First Actor_

THAMLE Tell me, have you enacted the play of Hamlet, the one old Jon mentioned earlier?

FIRST ACTOR Aye.

THAMLE We will be enacting it on the morrow. You could, if need be, memorize a few more lines were I to insert them into the play?

FIRST ACTOR Aye.

THAMLE Very well. Now, follow the buffoon but mock him not.

_Exit Troup leader_

My good friends, I bid thee goodnight.

JOHN and JEAN We shall see you shortly!

_Exit John and Jean_

Now I am alone at last. Oh, what a rascal am I! When the actors enact the play, it could enforce upon him to force his soul into confession. Once he makes his conscience known, and my father's intent along with it, I will be given no excuse to avoid the command. The spirit which I have seen may be the devil, but once these actors perform the play I shall look upon my uncle and tell for certain. The play's the thing wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king.

_Exit_


	3. Act III

Act III

{Scene 3}

Inside the Trading Post

_Enter Elizabeth, Edward, Jonathan, Eve, John, and Jean._

EDWARD Do you know what is causing him to be wracked by insanity or not?

JOHN He confesses that he is greatly distracted; but why he won't say.

JEAN He keeps ahead of us with a craftiness only madness can employ.

ELIZABETH Did he receive you well?

JOHN He was most welcoming.

JEAN Indeed, but with much forcing to his nature.

JOHN He made no questions of us, but was most free in his response.

ELIZABETH Did you set him on a hobby?

JEAN Madam, as it turned out, we brought him a troup of actors whom he was most impressed, and I do believe plan to play before him tonight.

JONATHAN Indeed, and he has requested that I invite you to view the results with him.

EDWARD With all my heart am I gladdened to hear of this, and apprehensively await the viewing of the play. Good gentlemen, give him leave to pursue this interest further.

JOHN We shall.

_Exit John and Jean_

EDWARD Sweet Elizabeth, leave us as well. We have arranged for Thamle to arrive and for Eve to confront him, her father and myself are going to wait unseen and unheard within hearing range, and we shall be the judge of it being her love that causes him to grieve so.

ELIZABETH I shall move hence. And for your part, Eve, I do hope you are the cause of his malady, and so I hope that you can bring him 'round again.

EVE Madam, I wish so as well.

_Exit Elizabeth_

JONATHAN Eve, wait here. We shall hide ourselves. I hear him approaching: we should withdraw.

_Exit Edward and Jonathan, enter Thamle_

THAMLE To be, or not to be: that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep; No more; and by a sleep to say we end The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; To sleep: perchance to dream, aye, thats the honeypot. For in death dreams may come to us. But that is the undiscovered country, the land from which none return, and in such makes us to suffer eternally with the ills we have borne rather than to face the unknown, the foil to the country. Thus conscience makes cowards of us all; and so the native colors and sights are overshadowed by pale sickness. Oh beautiful Eve! in your prayers are all my sins remembered.

EVE Good Thamle, how are you this day?

THAMLE Thank you humbly, for I am bien, bien, bien.

EVE Thamle, I have many of your affections and gifts, and I long to re-deliver them. Please, take them back.

THAMLE Who, I? I never gave you aught.

EVE You know you did, and with them came words so sweet as made the object with them even richer, but with their sweet smell lost I bid you take them again, for to the noble mind rich gifts made of wax prove poor when the givers prove unkind.

THAMLE Are you honest?

EVE What?

THAMLE Are you good?

EVE What do you mean?

THAMLE If you are honest and fair, your honesty should not come into conflict with your beauty.

EVE Could beauty outweigh beauty and honesty?

THAMLE Yes, truly, as beauty can transform honesty more easily than honesty beauty. It was once a paradox, but now time proves it otherwise. I did love you once.

EVE Indeed, as you would have me believe.

THAMLE You should not have believed me: I loved you not.

EVE I was the more deceived, then.

THAMLE Get thee to a nunnery: Why would you associate with such sinners? I am myself honest; but yet I could accuse myself of such things that it have have been better had I not been born. I am proud, revengeful, ambitious, and with more offences at my back than I have thoughts to put them with, imagination to shape them, or time to act them in. What are fellows like I doing between Earth and Heaven? We are arrant fools all; believe none of us. Go thy ways to a nunnery. Where's your father?

EVE At home.

THAMLE Let the doors be shut upon him, so that he may play the fool only in his own house. Farewell, and do thee good.

EVE O, God, help him!

THAMLE If you marry, I will give you this plague for the marriage gift: Even if you are as chaste as can be, as pure as snow, you shall not escape slander. Go to a nunnery, farewell. Or, if thou needs marry, marry a fool; for wise men know well enough what monsters you turn them into. To a nunnery, now, go, quickly, without pause, rapidement, farewell.

EVE O God, help him!

THAMLE I have heard of your artwork well, God has given you one face, and you make yourself another, you dance, you limp and you lisp, you nick-name God's creatures which he himself has named, and you make your wantonness your ignorance. Go, I'll speak no more on the subject, it has made me choler.

_Exit Thamle_

EVE Oh what a noble mind has been overthrown! And I, noble as well, who believed his sweet lies, now see the true and most sovereign reason, the sweet bells are jangling, but now they drift out of tune. O, woe is me, To have seen what I have seen, to see what I see!

_Re-enter Edward and Jonathan_

EDWARD No, what he spoke, while lacking form, did not portray madness. There's something weighing on him, over which his sadness broods, and I have little doubt that the discourse shall enforce itself in a form of violence, which to prevent I have thus set down, I have determined he shall with speed set forth for the United Provinces, for they, being the only ones to owe us tribute, he shall be sent to collect. What think you on't?

JONATHAN It is a goodly plan, but yet I still believe his grief has sprung from neglected love. Ah, sweet Eve! You need not tell us what he hath said to you, we heard it all. My lord, do as you please, but, if you see fit, after the play let his mother lay into him and show him her grief: Let her be frank, and I will be placed, if you approve, within range of their conversation. If she cannot bring him about, send him to England, or do what you think best.

EDWARD It shall be so, as madness in great ones must not unwatched go.

_Exit_

{Scene II}

_Enter Thamle and Actors_

THAMLE Speak the play, do not overact it, and say it trippingly on the tongue, but if you mouth it, as too many of your compatriots, there will have been no purpose in acting it. Do not saw the air too much with your hand, as so, but use it gently, with elegant motion, for within a time of extremity you must add an air of calm. It truly offends me to my core to see a play torn to shatters by overacting, and I pray you avoid it.

FIRST ACTOR I will warrant so.

THAMLE Of course, be not too tame either, and act it as it feels most natural, for being tepid can be just as great an offence.

FIRST ACTOR I shall avoid it.

THAMLE Go now, make ready.

_Enter Jonathan, John, and Jean_

How now, Sirrah? I hear the overlord himself will be a-watching tonight!

JONATHAN And the overlordess as well.

THAMLE Bid the actors make haste.

_Exit Jonathan, John, and Jean_

What ho! Gabriel!

_Enter Gabriel_

GABRIEL At your service as always.

THAMLE Gabriel, your justness is a welcome respite from those with whom I just conversed.

GABRIEL, O, Thamle,-

THAMLE No, do not think I am merely flattering you, for I want nothing from you but your own good spirit, which does not feed or clothe. Why would I flatter the poor? They are coming to the play; I must be idle: Get to your place.

_Enter Edward, Elizabeth, Jonathan, Eve, John, Jean, and playgoers._

EDWARD How are you today Thamle?

THAMLE Excellent indeed, for I eat of the chameleon's dish; I eat the air, promise-crammed: you cannot feed cripples such..

EDWARD I have nothing in response, these words are not mine.

THAMLE Nor mine now. Good stableman, you played once a play, you say?

JONATHAN That I did, and was accounted a good actor.

THAMLE What did you enact?

JONATHAN I did enact Julius Caesar: I was killed in the capitol by brutus.

THAMLE He was indeed a brute for killing off so easy a target. Are the actors ready?

JEAN Yes, they wait for you.

ELIZABETH Come Thamle, sit by thy mother.

THAMLE No mother, here is someone more to my liking.

JONATHAN (To Edward) What do you make of that?

THAMLE Can I lie in your lap?

EVE No.

THAMLE I mean, can I place my head upon your lap?

EVE Well, yes.

THAMLE Do you think I meant it in a sexual manner?

EVE I think nothing on't.

THAMLE That's a fair thought to stay between virgin's legs.

EVE What is?

THAMLE Nothing.

EVE You certainly are happy today.

THAMLE Who, I?

EVE Yes.

THAMLE What is man to do but be merry? Look you upon my mother, and how happy she looks, yet my father died within two months.

EVE No, it has been twice as long.

THAMLE So long? Two months and not forgotten? There's hope then that a great man's memory may outlive him by half a year, but, he must have been a good man; or else his memory will be of suffering.

_The show begins. Enter a beautiful King and Queen, after some time and conversation, the King falls asleep in the garden, and the Queen, seeing him asleep, leaves him. Later enters another robed man, and taking off the king's crown, pours poison in his ear, and exits. The Queen re-enters, sees the body, and lapses into sadness. The poisoner re-enters, decloaked, and pretends to sympathize with her. He woos her with promises of power, and while at first is unwilling crumbles quickly to accept his love. The son, Hamlet, is wary of events, and after seeing the ghost of his father is tasked with killing his uncle, the murderer and new king._

_Exit_

EVE What could it mean?

THAMLE Mischief is afoot.

EVE Telling will ruin the end.

THAMLE We shall know by this fellow, the actors cannot hide all forever.

EVE Will he tell us what the show means?

THAMLE Aye, or any play you would ask him about.

EVE I will watch the play.

NARRATOR For us, and for our play, we beg you listen carefully.

THAMLE Is this a prologue, or a posy of a ring?

EVE It will be short.

THAMLE As is woman's affection.

_Waiting_

But wait! Here comes the prime event! Hamlet is about to speak to the ghost of his father, and all shall be revealed.

PLAYER GHOST And revenge his most foul and unnatural murder.

PLAYER HAMLET Murder?

PLAYER GHOST Aye, for it is the same who has incestually married thy mother, Hamlet.

EVE Look, Edward rises!

THAMLE (Aside) What, is he frighted by the false fire as I surmised?

ELIZABETH How do you fare Edward?

JONATHAN Stop the play.

EDWARD Give me some room; away! On with the lights!

_Exit all but Thamle and Gabriel_

THAMLE Let the deer cry before it is slain. O Gabriel, the ghost's word was true. Did you see? When the ghost revealed its relationship?

GABRIEL Very well did I perceive.

THAMLE A ha! Some music! Quick, for if the king is a comedy he will need some music.

_Enter Jéan and John_

JÉAN Sir, might I have a word.

THAMLE Indeed, several. Tell me a history if you wish.

JOHN The king is mightily distempered.

THAMLE He has been to the flask again?

JÉAN No, he is angry. The Queen, your mother, has sent me to find you.

THAMLE You're welcome.

JOHN Nay, but give me a whole answer. If you do not, your pardon shall be the end of my business here.

THAMLE I cannot.

JÉAN What?

THAMLE Give you a whole answer. My wits diseased, you know, but to my mother I shall go.

JOHN It is thus of which she speaks. Your behavior is of great amazement.

THAMLE What a good son, whom can so impress a mother! What is your meaning in telling me this?

JEAN She desires to speak with you ere you go to bed.

THAMLE We shall obey were she ten times our mother! Any other business?

JOHN You did like me once, Thamle.

THAMLE And indeed I still do.

JOHN So tell me, what is the cause of this your distemper? You merely hold yourself back if you bar the truth from those who would help you.

THAMLE Sir, I lack capital.

JEAN How can that be, when you have the voice of the king himself for succession?

THAMLE Yes, and there is an old proverb "While the grass grows" or something like that, it grows musty to me.

_Enter actor passing by with flutes_

Oh a flute! Do let me see one! To continue with you- why do you go about to recover my wind when all you do is make me fall into a spin?

JOHN Thamle, my feeling for you are unmannerly.

THAMLE And that is what I do not understand. Tell me, will you play upon this flute?

JOHN I cannot.

THAMLE Please?

JEAN He lies not, for he truly cannot.

THAMLE I beseech you try it.

JOHN I have never even touched one before.

THAMLE O, but tis as easy as to lie! Cover these holes with your fingers, give it life with your air, and you will find a beauteous discourse of music.

JOHN But I lack the harmony and skill to command it.

THAMLE But, look you now! How unworthy of a thing do you make of me? You would play upon me as a flute, you know where my holes are, you attempt to find the heart of my mystery, you range me from the very top to the very bottom; and there is much music in this little voice, and yet you cannot make it speak. Do you think I am easier played than a piece of metal? Call me what instrument you will, yet you cannot play upon me.

_{Long Pause}, enter Jonathan_

God bless you sir!

JONATHAN My lord, the queen would seek your audience presently.

THAMLE Do you see that yonder cloud, shaped like a poison wisp?

JONATHAN And indeed it does look to be so.

THAMLE I think it looks like a knife.

JONATHAN It is very much shaped like one.

THAMLE Or how about a baboon?

JONATHAN Very like a baboon.

THAMLE Then I will come to see my mother.

JONATHAN I will tell her.

_Exit Jonathan_

THAMLE Leave me, musicians.

_Exit all but Thamle_

Tis now the time of night in which the graveyards yawn and hell itself lashes out, spilling Pandora's contagion into the world: it is now I could drink hot blood, and do such bitter business as the day would shake upon observance. I must be soft, however, and now to my mother I must travel. O self, I must never lose my own nature, must not let true cruelty seep into my heart. But I must act cruel, not unnatural; I shall speak daggers to her and use none; I mark myself a hypocrite by doing thus, but these words must be given, my soul, consent!

_Exit_

{Scene 3}

A room in the Trade Outpost

_Enter Edward, John, and Jean._

EDWARD We like him not and it seems an error to us to let his madness run. Prepare yourselves; I am hereby dispatching you, and he to England will with you: We cannot endure hazard so dangerous as which hourly grows out of his lunacies.

JEAN We will ourselves provide, as it is our duty to protect the many many people who depend on yourself to keep safe and full.

JOHN Indeed, when majesty cease, such as is being done within Thamle, it sucks down that which is around it, much like the fabled whirlpools. Like tethers, in this case, are atach'd thousands, each of which, added together, will cause boisterous ruin. Never alone did a king sigh, but with the groan of the people as well.

EDWARD Arm you, I pray, to this speedy voyage, for we shall imprison this fear, which even now roams too freely.

JOHN&amp;JEAN We will make haste.

_Exit Jean and John, Enter Jonathan_

JONATHAN My lord, he travels now to his mother's office; where within I shall hide behind the drapery to listen, and to convey the context of what is spoken. Fare you well, I'll call upon you before bed to tell you of what I have learned.

EDWARD Thank you, good sirrah.

_Exit Jonathan_

O, if even Thamle can smell deception on the wind the deed must truly stink to heaven. It is a grievous offence, a brother's murder. O but that I could escape it! I must carry on, and yet my conscience guides me back again. It was this very cursed hand, and yet I stand where I began. What if God cannot see fit to forgive me? What if there isn't enough power in all the heavens to clean me? What if I am forgiven? Then I'll look up; my fault will be past. But what sort of prayer can cause forgiveness when one murders a brother? None can, for I still possess the belongings of that whom I did murder; our crown, our ambition and our queen. Can one be pardoned yet still retain the offence? It is common in this world for the wealth of the murder to shroud the offence, but what is below is not so up high. So what does one do when one cannot repent? O wretched state! O my heart as black as death! And o my soul, struggling to be free, is all the more engaged. Help, angels! Make assay! I must hope that all will be well.

_Edward retires to pray, enter Thamle (atwitch)_

THAMLE1 Now should I do it, as now he is praying!

THAMLE2 No, no, musn't hurt him, let him rot, while his thoughts remain below!

THAMLE1 But yet when he dies I am revenged!

THAMLE2 Ah, but the nasty king shouldn't be made to ascend when his thoughts are pure!

THAMLE1 And yet a villain has killed my father, and as his only son the duty falls to me to send him to heaven.

THAMLE2 No! The tricksy kin would steal what is precious, his very soul! He took our father before confession, so should we do to him!

THAMLE1 We are so agreed. But remember what the spirit has said, to leave our mother in peace, and let her reflect in hindsight.

THAMLE2 She is a precious!

_Exit Thamle_

EDWARD My words spring up, but thoughts remain below: never to heaven do words without thoughts go.

{Scene 4}

Elizabeth's room

_Enter Elizabeth and Jonathan_

JONATHAN He will come straight. All you have to do is really lay into him: tell him you cannot stand his behavior and that you have blocked much of his energy. I will hide right between the curtains. Please, be round with him.

THAMLE (Outside) Mother, mother! Mother mother mother mother mother!

ELIZABETH Quickly, withdraw, I hear his approach.

_Jonathan hides behind curtains, enter Thamle_

THAMLE Now what have I done wrong this time, mother?

ELIZABETH You have your father much offended.

THAMLE Thats a coincidence! You have _my_ father much offended as well!

ELIZABETH Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.

THAMLE Go, go, you question with a wicked one.

ELIZABETH Why, how now!?

THAMLE Have I done something more to offend?

ELIZABETH Have you forgotten my place?

THAMLE Nay, you are your husband's brother's wife; and- if only it were not so- you are my mother.

ELIZABETH If that be the case I'll call in others to speak in my stead.

THAMLE Oh come, sit you down; and do not budge, you shall not go until you have seen your innermost self.

ELIZABETH Are you going to cut me open? Oh, help! help! help!

JONATHAN Someone help!

THAMLE (Drawing his sword) How now, a bug? I would kill it but for a ducat! (Stabs at the curtains)

JONATHAN O! I am slain! And yet, there is an odd sensation. My history comes flooding back, and I feel as though I should impart upon you my experiences. I will not, however, as my time is short, so I shall impart the more important of my lessons. Never drink downstream, and do not drink the water of foreign countries. How I went so long here, I have no clue, mind you, and yet now I think it did in some small part have to do with my undoing. Remember always, two wrongs do not make a right, but humorously enough, two large lefts do. They say a pen is mightier than a sword, but I discovered the opposite just recently when my pen, supposedly blocking an intruding sword, was smashed in twain. Remember, birds of a feather flock together; I just wish there were others like me. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer, that's another rubbish one. It led to my pen being broken. Whats that? A watched pot never boils? What would I have been doing watching a pot? I'd comment on not biting the hand that feeds you, but that one never gave me any trouble. Doing what the hand wanted, however, also led to my pen being broken. O, a wonderful man once said, "Life is pleasant. Death is pleasant. It's the transition that's troublesome." - It's actually not that bad, I assure you. Honestly I feel better now, maybe I'll go for a walk- (Tries to get up) O! But alas, I'm not quite dead yet. Ah, well, I am ready to meet my maker. Whether he is up to the greater task of meeting me, however, is yet to be seen.

O! Remember, there are two certainties in life, death and taxes. I've officially met the former.

ELIZABETH No! What have you done?

THAMLE Was it the king? It didn't sound like him.

ELIZABETH Oh, what a bloody deed you've done!

THAMLE A bloody deed indeed! Tis almost as bad, however, to kill a king and marry with his brother.

ELIZABETH To kill a king?

THAMLE That's what I said. (Lifts curtain and discovers Jonathan) Farewell you four, wretched, intruding, yet thoughtful, fool. I took you for your better. Peace madam! Sit you down, for you still cannot go, and I need to tell you thoughts that will make you quiver in hindsight.

ELIZABETH What have I done to deserve such harsh treatment?

THAMLE A horrid crime, which, were you listening, would already have heard.

ELIZABETH And what 'horrid crime' spurns you so?

THAMLE You conspired with a claimant, and in doing so urged the death of the king. As if 'twere not enough, you then fled to incestuous dowry of power with his very killer!

ELIZABETH Thamle, speak no more, you have turned my eyes inside my soul, and can now truly see my innermost soul, which is covered in black spots that will never fade. Your words, like daggers, enter my ears, speak no more!

_Enter Ghost _

THAMLE What would your gracious figure have of me?

ELIZABETH He's mad!

THAMLE Have you come to chide your son, who, lax in his duties, has let too much time elapse? Tell me!

GHOST This visit is merely to sharpen your almost blunt purpose. look at your mother, she looks on in amazement, step in between her and her fighting soul. Speak to her, Thamle.

THAMLE How fares you, lady?

ELIZABETH How is it with you, who with the air holds conversation? O my poor son, sprinkle water on thy hot distemper. Upon what do you look?

THAMLE Upon him! Look you how pale he seems!

ELIZABETH To whom do you speak?

THAMLE Do you see nothing there?

ELIZABETH Nothing at all, and yet I see everything.

THAMLE Did you hear nothing?

ELIZABETH No, naught but ourselves.

THAMLE Why, look! Hence he flies! Its father, in his outfit as he lived! Look! Even now! Out at the portal!

ELIZABETH This is but an image from your mind.

THAMLE It is not madness that I have uttered, you know this.

ELIZABETH You have broken my heart in twain.

THAMLE Then be done with the worser part, throw it out and let the purer shine through. I bid thee goodnight: but do not go to my uncle's bed, pretend you have temperance even if you have it not. Refrain tonight, and it will get easier as time goes on. Baby steps. Once more, good night. For the life spent here (Pointing to Jonathan) I do repent. Heaven has seen fit to punish me with this, and I will answer well the death I gave him. Just realize: I must be cruel if only to be kind again when all is said and done.

ELIZABETH What should I do?

THAMLE Let me reiterate, as the information still has not permeated: Do not go again to mine uncle's bed, and no matter what he tempts you with do not unravel what I have built by telling him the goings-on, for remember, I am not mad, just mad in craft. I must go to England, you remember?

ELIZABETH Oops, I had forgot myself.

THAMLE (aside) Oh, what a mother to forget her son's own banishment.

THAMLE Indeed, the king's letters have been sealed, and I go with my two schoolfellows whom I trust as much as pit vipers. They have their orders, they are to lead me there, and most likely try for my demise. Let them try, however, for being as simple-minded as they are they have yet to realize I am alert. I shall defeat them with their own knavery, have no fear. I shall away with this man here; I'll move him into the neighboring room. He is still, I believe, but was in life a foolish prattling knave. Good night, mother.

_Exit, Thamle dragging Jonathan_


	4. Act IV

Act IV

{Scene 1}

In the Trading Post

_Enter Edward, Elizabeth, John, and Jean._

EDWARD There's a method in his language: We should understand by now. Where is your son?

ELIZABETH Leave us a moment.

_Exit John and Jean_

O, what I have seen tonight!

EDWARD What? How is he?

ELIZABETH He is quite choleric and crazy to boot. In his lawless fit he heard the curtains move, draws his sword, cries 'A rat! A rat!' and, in his apprehension, kills the good old advisor.

EDWARD Heavy deed! He would have killed us, had we been there. He poses as naught but a threat, to me, to you, to everyone. How should we respond to this? Where has he gone?

ELIZABETH He has gone- to mope over the body he has created, for he is still pure within, and weeps for what he has done.

EDWARD We must get him away from here at once! Jean? John!

_Re-enter Jean and John_

Go, find him, for he has in his madness Jonathan slain; He has dragged him from the room of demise, to where we know naught. Go, seek him out, and bring back the body. I pray you, Jack be nimble Jack be quick.

_Exit John and Jean_

Come Liz, we'll call up our friends and let them know what is to come. O! My heart is full of discord and dismay.

_Exit_

{Scene 2}

Another room

_Enter Thamle_

THAMLE And so it is away.

JOHN&amp;JEAN (Offstage) Thamle! Where art thou?

THAMLE What noise? Who would dare to offend me? Ah, they.

_Enter Jean and John_

JEAN What have you done with the body?

THAMLE Laid it in the dust, so that it is with like kin.

JOHN Tell us where, so they may take it and bear it to the church.

THAMLE Don't believe it.

JEAN Believe what?

THAMLE That I can trust you but not myself. Besides, to be demanded of by a sponge! How should the son of a king respond?

JEAN You take me for a sponge?

THAMLE Ay! You soak up the 'king's' attentions, his rewards, his authorities. But such men make best service in the end. He keeps you, like an ape would, in the corner of his jaw; first to be mouthed, last to be swallowed. When he needs what you have gleaned, all he needs do is squeeze you, and you are dry again.

JEAN I understand you not.

THAMLE Good: a witty speech lies in a foolish ear.

JOHN You must tell us where the body is, and go with us to your uncle!

THAMLE The body is with his majesty, but his majesty is not with the body. The king is a thing-

JEAN A thing?

THAMLE Of nothing: bring me to him.

_Exit_

{Scene 3}

Another room in the Trading Post

_Enter Edward, Jean, and John._

EDWARD I have sent out attendants to find him and to find the body. He is still dangerous! Yet we must not crack down on him quite yet: The peasants love him, who like not with judgment of logic but with appearance and beauty. This sudden sending him away must seem desperate, but desperate action will either solve it- or, it won't. What happened when you confronted him?

JOHN Where the body is we cannot solve.

EDWARD But where is _he_?

JOHN Guarded, if it pleases you so.

EDWARD Bring him before us.

_Enter Thamle and guard_

Now, where is Jonathan?

THAMLE Who, the dumb stableman? At supper.

EDWARD At supper? where?

THAMLE Not the kind where he eats, but the kind in which he is eaten: the politic worms are even now chewing. Ironic, isn't it? We feed animals to feed ourselves so that we ourselves can feed maggots!

EDWARD Alas!

THAMLE A man can fish with the worm that ate of a king, and cat of the fish that has fed of that worm.

EDWARD Does this mean anything?

THAMLE Nothing but to show that all are equal in death.

EDWARD Where is Jonathan?

THAMLE In heaven; send a messenger to see. If he isn't there, seek him in the other place yourself. -

But, if you find him not within the month,-

you may smell him on your way up the stairs.

EDWARD Go seek him there.

_Exit guard and attendants_

THAMLE (shouting after) Worry not, he will stay until your arrival.

EDWARD Thamle, in light of this deed and your behavior, we must send thee hence with fiery quickness: therefore prepare yourself; your ship awaits and is already a-pointed for England.

THAMLE England!

EDWARD Aye, England.

THAMLE Good.

EDWARD So is it, if you only knew our purpose.

THAMLE I see a ghost who sees them. But, come. For England! Farewell dear mother.

EDWARD (feigning concern) I am thy father, Thamle.

THAMLE Father and Mother are man and wife, man and wife one flesh, and so, thou are'st my mother. Hi Ho Away! For England!

_Exit Thamle, John and Jean_

And England, if you seek to please me at all, and, thanks to your debt, you do, you will coldly execute the orders set forth in these letters; The death of Thamle; for like the heretic in my blood he rages, and only you can cure it.

_Exit_

{Scene 4}

On the French-English Border

_Enter Louis, French Captain, and Soldiers_

LOUIS Go captain, greet the English dog, and tell him that he is here to traverse on his promise.

CAPTAIN I will do so.

LOUIS Go.

_Exit Louis and soldiers, enter Thamle, Jean, and John._

THAMLE Good sir, whose men are these?

CAPTAIN They are those of Louis.

THAMLE What is their goal in these parts?

CAPTAIN They march on savages to the North and East.

THAMLE Go they against the village, or merely hunting parties?

CAPTAIN From what I can see, the plan is to weaken them one hunting party at a time.

THAMLE Thank you, kind sir.

CAPTAIN God be with you.

_Exit Captain_

JOHN Might we go now?

THAMLE I'll catch up.

_Exit all but Thamle_

O but how events conspire against me! Have I not been through enough? From this point on my thought are either bloody or not worth having!

_Exit_

{Scene 5}

A room in the Trading Post

_Enter Elizabeth, Gabriel, and a servant_

ELIZABETH I will not speak with her in her current state.

SERVANT Her mood needs to be pitied.

ELIZABETH What can one say that would make her feel better?

SERVANT She speaks much of her father, tricks, and speaks in terms that only vaguely make sense, leading those around her to shape the words as they see fit, which in turn leads them to believe there is sense in what she says.

GABRIEL Indeed, it would be good if she were spoken with, for it is best to let ills out in speec before they are acted upon.

ELIZABETH Let her in.

_Exit Gabriel_

_Re-enter Gabriel, with Eve_

EVE Ah! There lies the majesty of all Ohio!

ELIZABETH How are you, Eve?

EVE Oh, very well! Of course, my father is dead and my boyfriend killed him, so, maybe not so well after all!

_Enter Edward_

ELIZABETH Edward, come look at this.

EDWARD How are you, pretty lady?

EVE They say the owl was a baker's daughter. It goes to show you we never know what we may become!

EDWARD Because of her father?

EVE Let's not speak of that. Did you realize that to-morrow is 's Day?

EDWARD(Aside) Tomorrow is the Second.

EDWARD My dear, resist the impulse to grieve. it only does you harm.

EVE Grieve? Over what? Ah, but I'll make an oath on it!

(sings)

EDWARD How long has she been like this?

_Eve runs_

EVE Soon my brother shall know of what has transpired, and so I thank you for our counsel on the matter. Come, my chariot awaits! Good night sweet ladies! Good night! Good nigh-

_Exit Eve_

EDWARD Follow her, and watch her closely.

_Exit Gabriel_

This spring of grief, it all stems from her father's death. When sorrows occur they arrive not one by one but in massive waves. As if losing Thamle wasn't hard enough for her, the husk that was once him kills her father. The peasants too are saddened by good Jonathan's death, and Charlie is in secret returned from France, and will not hear the superfluous speeches of his father's death.

_Chanting and footsteps, growing louder from within_

ELIZABETH What is that horrendous noise?

EDWARD Guards! To me! Bar the door!

SERVANT Sir, they are all at practice as you did command!

_Enter another servant_

EDWARD What is the concern?

SERVANT 2 Sir! It is none other than Charlie, with an army of peasant workers with him, demanding for your overthrow and that he be elected to office! They cry 'Choose we: Charlie shall be king:' They think they can replace you as his majesty's representative for the territory!

EDWARD Treason! His Majesty shall hear of this!

ELIZABETH O, how quickly to the false trail they scuttle!

EDWARD The doors have broken!

_Enter Charlie with armed peasants_

CHARLIE Where is he? Sirs, I ask you stand without me but a moment.

PEASANTS No, let's kill him!

CHARLIE Please, leave us be.

PEASANTS We will.

_Exit peasants offstage, cautiously_

CHARLIE O you foul man, give me my father!

ELIZABETH Be calm, good Charles.

CHARLIE That drop of blood that's calm proclaims me bastard, Cries cuckold to my father, brands the harlot even here, straight between the chaste unsmirched brow of my true mother.

EDWARD Tell me, why is your rebellion so large in size if all you want is your father? Let him go Liz, do not fear for our body. Tell me Charles, why are you so incensed?

CHARLIE Where is my father?

EDWARD Dead. Dead as a doornail. Or, if you, prefer, as some do, a coffin nail.

ELIZABETH But not slain by him.

EDWARD Let him ask his fill of questions.

CHARLIE How did he die? I'll warn you, I won't be toyed with: I care not for allegiance anymore! Let come what comes, but I will be revenged for my father.

EDWARD Who can stop you?

CHARLIE My will alone, but the entire world cannot.

EDWARD Tell me, would you kill his friends and enemies alike in your eagerness?

CHARLIE None but his enemies.

EDWARD Do you want to know them?

CHARLIE To his friends I'll open my arms, and even give my life for them.

EDWARD Spoken like a true gentleman. I am guiltless for your father's death, and am much in grief over it I assure you.

PEASANTS (Within) Let her come in.

CHARLIE What now!? What noise breaks through yonder door?

_Re-enter Eve, humming._

CHARLIE Eve, how are you?

Is she alright?

EDWARD Charles, her father's death hath driven her mad.

CHARLIE Oh, Eve. If you were sane and pleaded for revenge it would not have affected me so!

EVE If I were a rich man, fiddle diddle didle diddle diddle deedum da (Continues singing)

CHARLIE O God, do you see what has transpired?

EDWARD Charles, I too share your grief. It is, however, time for you to pick just who your best friends in this matter are to be, for they will hear and judge us in this, our time of crisis. If they find us sincere, we shall devote our kingdom, our crown, our life, and all that we have to you in satisfaction: But if they don't, lend us your patience, and we shall labor to make it content.

CHARLIE I do, however, wish for you to know; his burial, his obscure funeral, no military ceremony, no real ceremony of any kind, I take into question.

EDWARD And so you should. Come with me.

_Exit_

{Scene 6}

In another room

_Enter Gabriel and a servant_

GABRIEL Who did you say wished to speak with me?

SERVANT Sailors, sir; they claim to be bearing letters.

GABRIEL Bid them enter.

_Exit Servant_

I do not know anyone else who would write me a letter, and so it must me Thamle.

_Enter Sailors_

FIRST SAILOR God bless you sir, and God save the King!

GABRIEL God save the King!

FIRST SAILOR There is here a letter for you, which claims to be from the ambassador who was sent forth to England if your name is Gabriel, which I am led to know it is.

GABRIEL Thank You.

(Reads) Gabriel, once you have read this, let these fellows in to see my uncle: They have letters for him as well. Before we were even two days off to sea a french privateer set upon us. Finding ourselves too slow to outrun them, we put on our best brave faces and I alone attempted to board them. They upon the instance of my arrival broke off, and so I alone became their prisoner. I am now to do a good turn for them, as they have treated me as would befit thieves of mercy. Let my uncle have the letters I have sent. I have stories to tell you that would kill you just from the synopsis, yet they are too simple for the heart of the matter. John and Jean hold their course for England, and of them I have much to tell thee. 'He that knows you, Thamle.' Come, I will take you to Edward, but we must be speedy, for once we finish there you will take me to he who gave you the letters.

_Exit_

{Scene 7}

In another room

_Enter Edward and Charlie_

EDWARD Now you must work with me, and know that I am your friend, and hear that he who killed your father has made attempts on my life as well.

CHARLIE It would seem so, but tell me why you didn't act earlier, and instead you were simply 'shaken'.

EDWARD There are two reasons; which may to you seem unprecedented, but to me are strong in nature. The queen is his mother, and I cannot openly oppose her. The other, being why I don't simply go to the authorities, is that the rabble love him.

CHARLIE And so I a noble father have lost; a sister driven to madness, any yet I still shall have my revenge.

EDWARD Don't lose sleep over that. I loved you father as I love myself; and that, I hope, will teach you that-

_Enter Messenger_

What ho! What news?

MESSENGER Letters from Thamle! This one for you, and this one for your queen.

EDWARD From Thamle? Who brought them?

MESSENGERS They say sailors; though I saw them not. They were given to me by Henry, he got them from those who brought them.

EDWARD Charles, you shall hear this. Leave us.

_Exit Messenger_

(Reads) His majesty, know that I am on the mercy of your bounteous kingdom. Tomorrow when I return I ask the opportunity to recount the occasion of my most sudden and strange return, 'Thamle'

What could this mean? Are the others back as well? Or is it just a joke?

CHARLIE Do you recognize the handwriting?

EDWARD It's his handwriting alright. Can you advise me on the matter?

CHARLIE I have no idea what it could mean. But let him come, I want him to know what has transpired because of him.

EDWARD If he truly is returned from his voyage, and not to depart again, I will create an event at which he cannot help but fall, and all will see it as but an accident.

CHARLIE I would ask that you make me the instrument of his destruction.

EDWARD It is only fair. I have heard much tale of you, in particular, of your mastery of a rapier and the ability to defend yourself. Now tell me, to what would you stoop to avenge your father's death?

CHARLIE I would cut his throat in the church.

EDWARD Indeed, revenge should know no bounds. Now, this is what I put forth: Hamlet, upon arrival, will be enforced into a duel between the two of you over a wager. Now, Thamle, being lazy, will not peruse the swords presented, and you can have any sword of your liking implanted within for you to find.

CHARLIE I'll do it, and I'll smother my blade in a poison I just so happen to have, that, being so poisonous, will wrack the life from his body.

EDWARD Indeed, but let's look further within. We should have a backup plan, in case it does not work, and so I shall be waiting with a cup for him, filled with poison, so that when he calls for a drink it will strike him quickly down.

_Enter Elizabeth_

How now, my queen?

ELIZABETH Sorrows follow close upon one another's heels. Your sister has drowned, Charlie.

CHARLIE Drowned? Where?

ELIZABETH There is a willow, down by the brooks, which is surrounded by beauteous flowers everywhere one looks. There she made herself a swing from the flowers, but when she hung it from the branches down it fell, and she along with it. And so we do not know if it was of purpose or negligence.

CHARLIE So, she truly is drowned?

ELIZABETH Drowned.

CHARLIE Too much water have you had, Eve, first with your tears for father and now with your drowning, and therefore I forbid my tears from appearance. Adieu, my compatriot.

_Exit Charlie_

EDWARD Let's follow, I had to do much to calm his rage, and I fear this will give it start again.

_Exit_


	5. Act V

Act V

{Scene 1}

A Graveyard

_Enter two gravediggers with shovels_

GRAVEDIGGER Is she really to be buried in Christian burial when she wilfully took her own for salvation?

GRAVEDIGGER 2 Yes, she is, and be sure her grave is straight. The master himself has found it to be Christian burial.

GRAVEDIGGER How can that be, unless she drowned herself in her own defense?

GRAVEDIGGER 2 I know naught but that it was found to be so.

GRAVEDIGGER It sounds more like self-offense than self-defense to me. Here's why: if I drown myself of my own will, it argues to be an act against God: and acts have three requirements, to act, to perform, and to do, therefore, she drowned herself of her own accord.

GRAVEDIGGER 2 Nay, but hear this-

GRAVEDIGGER Give me leave. Here lies the water, right? Here stands the man, right? Now, if this man goes to the water and drowns himself, it is an act. If the water comes up and kills him, then he drowned not of his own accord and so he is not guilty.

GRAVEDIGGER 2 But is it law?

GRAVEDIGGER Aye.

GRAVEDIGGER 2 Mark my words, were she not a noblewoman she would not have this fine burial.

GRAVEDIGGER Well, theres the fact of the matter, and I thank you for saying it. It is a pity that great folk get more countenance to hang or drown themselves than their fellow Christians. Come, give me my spade. There is no ancient gentlemen but gardeners, ditch diggers, and grave-diggers who hold up Adam's profession.

GRAVEDIGGER 2 He was a gentleman?

GRAVEDIGGER Why, he was the first to bear arms.

GRAVEDIGGER 2 But he had none!

GRAVEDIGGER What, are you a heathen? Everyone knows that in Scripture it is said 'Adam digged:', could he have dug without arms? I'll put another riddle to you: If you cannot answer in the right you will confess yourself to be a moron.

GRAVEDIGGER 2 Shoot.

GRAVEDIGGER What is he who builds stronger than a mason, a shipwright, or a carpenter?

GRAVEDIGGER 2 The gallows-maker! His houses outlive a thousand tenants.

GRAVEDIGGER I like your sharp wit! Indeed, the gallows does well, but how so? It does well to the criminals! Now you must be ill to say a gallows is stronger than a church: and so the gallows would do well to thee. C'mon, have another guess.

_Enter Thamle and Gabriel_

Think on it no more, for if I beat you you would not know it still. Net time someone asks you that, reply, 'Why, a gravemaker! For his houses last till doomsday!' Go now, get thee to Yaughan: fetch me a stoup of liquor!

_Exit Gravedigger 2_

(Singing and digging)

THAMLE Does this fellow have no feeling for his profession? He goes about singing and digging graves!

GABRIEL For him it is merely habit.

THAMLE Even so, one of unemployment would have daintier sense.

(Gravedigger throws up a skull)

Why, that skull had a tongue at one point, and it could sing too: Or it might have been the skull of a politician, in which case it would have sung a different tune.

GABRIEL It very well might have.

THAMLE Funny, these bones all came with different wealths and yet here they are, all indistinguishable. My head aches to think on't.

(More singing, throws up another skull)

There's another, what if that skull were that of a lawyer? Ha! Where are his tricks now, his cases, his tenures? Why must he suffer this rude fellow knocking his skull about? He knows not even that he is being hit upon the head with a shovel! Or what if he was a landlord? We shall never know. Who's grave is this, sirrah?

GRAVEDIGGER Mine, sir. (Sings)

THAMLE It will be soon if thou doesn't tell me. And look! You are already inside.

GRAVEDIGGER You, sir, lie outside of it, and therefore it clearly is not yours. I, however, do not lay inside and yet it is mine.

THAMLE It is for the dead, not the quick-witted, a fact we both know to be true. For what man has it been dug?

GRAVEDIGGER For no man, sir.

THAMLE What woman, then?

GRAVEDIGGER For no woman neither.

THAMLE Who is to be buried in it?

GRAVEDIGGER One that was once a woman, but, God rest her soul, she's dead now.

THAMLE (aside) How literal he is! We must be so ourselves or he will undo and confuse. How long have you been a grave-maker?

GRAVEDIGGER Of all the days it could have been, I began my profession on the day old Thamle drove out the savages.

THAMLE How long ago was that?

GRAVEDIGGER Why, everyone knows that! It was the very same day Thamle was born, you know, the crazy one who was sent to England.

THAMLE Why was he sent to England?

GRAVEDIGGER Why, because he is crazy! If he regains his mind there, then hooray, but if not, he can do no real damage there.

THAMLE Why would he be no threat there?

GRAVEDIGER Because everyone there is as mad as he is!

THAMLE How did he become crazy?

GRAVEDIGGER Very strangely, they say.

THAMLE Meaning?

GRAVEDIGGER Very strangely.

THAMLE Where did he turn crazy?

GRAVEDIGER Why, here in Ohio! Where else would he have?

THAMLE How long will a man lie in the earth before rotting?

GRAVEDIGGER Well, if he isn't already rotten when they bury him, since we have many pox deaths, he will last about eight years. If he is a tanner, however, he will last you nine!

THAMLE Why would he last more than another?

GRAVEDIGGER His hide is tanned while he goes about tanning other hides, and so he will keep out water a great while, which decays bodies rapidly. Look: Here's a skull now, it's lain in the ground for twenty-three years now.

THAMLE Whose skull was it?

GRAVEDIGGER Quite a strange and mad fellow. Whose do you think?

THAMLE Nay, I know not.

GRAVEDIGGER He was quite the rogue! He poured a flask over my head once. This skull, sir, is none other than Bob, who was once the local jester.

THAMLE This very skull?

GRAVEDIGGER That very skull.

THAMLE Let me see it. (Takes skull) Alas, poor Bob! I knew him, Gabe: He truly was a mad fellow, but of infinite humor. He bore me on his back a thousand times when I was a child, and this is all that remains. Where are his jokes now? His skits? His plays? His flashes of merriment, which would make everyone burst out laughing? Tell me one thing, Gabriel.

GABRIEL What's that, my lord?

THAMLE Do you think the Lionheart looked like this in the grave?

GABRIEL I do.

THAMLE And that he smelled like such? Pah! (Puts down the skull)

GABRIEL Yes.

THAMLE No matter what we come from, we all return to dust eventually. Some of Richard's dust may even now be sitting in a chamber pot.

GABRIEL A strange thing to consider, but possibly true.

THAMLE Indeed. Richard died, Richard was buried, Richard returned to dust; the earth is dust, and from that earth we make such things as corks for bottles. The great Caesar himself, dead and turned to clay, may even now be in a beer barrel. Wait. Quiet! Here comes my uncle!

_Enter Edward, Elizabeth, Charlie, and funeral procession_

The queen, the advisors: who are they following to see buried? And with such strange burial ceremony? It signifies that the corpse they follow did take its own life! But for them to be here, it is clearly of some status. Let's crouch and wait, to see what happens.

CHARLIE What else can be done in ceremony?

PRIEST Her ceremonies have been enlengthened as much as they can: her death was doubtful as to whether it was suicide or not. Her saving grace is your influential friend over there, for flowers should not be thrown on her, but rather sticks and stones. Yet here she is, with as many rights as can be afforded.

CHARLIE Can nothing more be done?

PRIEST No more will be done!

CHARLIE Lay her in the earth, and from her fair and unpolluted flesh may violets spring. I tell thee, rude and disrespectful priest, she will be an angel when you are howling below!

THAMLE Why, it's Eve!

ELIZABETH Beautiful presents for the beautiful: farewell! (Scatters flowers) I had hoped that you would have been my Thamle's wife, and thought I'd be throwing these flowers on your bride-bed, not your grave.

CHARLIE O, curse that wicked head whose wicked deed deprived thee of your life! Hold off the earth, I must feel her in my arms once more! (Leaps into grave) Now, pile the dirt in so quick and steadily that there may be a mountain as tall as Olympus standing!

THAMLE (Approaching) Who is it whose grief is so profound? It is I, Thamle.

CHARLIE May the devil take thy soul! (Leaps at Thamle)

THAMLE (Grappling) You don't pray well, and I would kindly ask you take your fingers from my throat, for while I am not rash there is something within me which is to be feared: hold off your hand.

EDWARD Break them apart.

ELIZABETH Thamle, Thamle!

_The Attendants pull them apart, they exit the grave_

THAMLE I will fight with him upon this theme until I sleep no more!

ELIZABETH O, what theme?

THAMLE I loved Eve! Forty thousand brothers could not in all their sum make up my love for her! What would you do for her?

EDWARD He is mad, Charles.

ELIZABETH Don't let him antagonize you.

THAMLE Show me what you would do! Would you cry? Would you fight? Would you go without eating? Would you drink poison? Eat a crocodile? I would! Did you come here to whine? To outdo me by leaping in her grave? Quick, let us both be buried with her! If you speak of mountains let them throw millions of acres on us, till our ground makes Kilimanjaro look like a wart! See? I can whine as well as you!

ELIZABETH This is his madness speaking, and so for a while will it sit on him.

THAMLE Good sir, what is the reason that you curse me thus? I always liked you, but it is no matter; we will do as we do just as every dog will have its day.

_Exit Thamle_

EDWARD I ask you Gabriel, look after him.

_Exit Gabriel_

Strengthen your patience, we'll use our plot soon enough. Good Elizabeth, make sure your son is watched.

_Exit_

{Scene 2}

In the Trading post

_Enter Thamle and Gabriel_

THAMLE I have discovered the letter from my Uncle to England, bearing good tidings and wishes that my head be removed from my shoulders.

GABRIEL Truly?

THAMLE Here, read it at your leisure. Will you hear how I proceeded?

GABRIEL Please, do tell.

THAMLE I sent my own letter ahead to England, that the bearers of the letter you just read are to be put to death without debate and that the court had already convicted.

GABRIEL Why would they do't?

THAMLE I had my father's seal stamp with me, they know the letter to be from authority.

GABRIEL So Jean and John go to their deaths.

THAMLE With joy in their hearts! They are not weighing on my mind, for their deaths do rest in their own hands.

GABRIEL It won't be long before he knows what has occurred in England.

THAMLE Nay, we have but twelve weeks. But those twelve weeks are mine. I feel truly sorry for Charlie, as I forgot how it would affect him. In the image of his cause I see my own reflected: and so I will make amends. His grief did put me into a tower of emotion.

GABRIEL Who comes through yonder door?

_Enter Guillaume_

GUILLAUME I welcome you back to Ohio.

THAMLE I humbly thank you for your gesture.

GUILLAUME I bear with me words from the Governor.

THAMLE I will receive them, but put your hat to his proper use, it's for the head.

GUILLAUME I thank you, but it is very hot in here.

THAMLE Ha! You jest, for it is very cold in here, the wind comes from the North.

GUILLAUME It is an indifferent cold.

THAMLE But yet it is too hot for my complexion.

GUILLAUME Yes, tis very hot indeed. I would tell you this: Charles is newly arrived at court, and the Governor has placed a wager on your heads that you will beat him in a duel. Charles, however, has followed suit in that he will beat you.

THAMLE What is his weapon?

GUILLAUME Rapier and dagger.

THAMLE Well, that's two, but rapier it is. What if I answer no?

GUILLAUME You shall go to trial. The competition is immediate, if you will accept. The goal is thus: The first to three hits shall win.

THAMLE I shall do't. I will win if I can for him, but if not, I gain nothing but momentary shame and the odd bruise.

_Exit Guillaume_

GABRIEL You will lose this wager, my friend.

THAMLE I do not think so: since he left I have been in continual practice: I shall win.

GABRIEL If you are not ready, I can go and stall their advances to the arena. If your mind does not like anything listen to it.

THAMLE Nay, I am ready.

_Enter Edward, Elizabeth, Charlie, Guillaume, others._

EDWARD Come, Thamle, and take this hand from me.

_Thamle shakes Charlie's hand_

THAMLE Please, sir, give me your pardon: I've done you wrong. It was not Thamle who did you wrong, but rather his madness. If anything I am the victim, and I hope you can forgive me for allowing it to happen.

CHARLIE Thank you, I am satisfied in nature and take your offered peace in good faith, and will not wrong it.

THAMLE I embrace it freely; and will your wager frankly play. Give us the foils. Come on.

CHARIE And one for me as well.

THAMLE I'll be your foil Charles, for your skill is exemplary.

CHARLIE You mock me, good sir.

THAMLE No, by this hand I swear it.

EDWARD Give them the sabres, Guillaume. You know the wager, Thamle?

THAMLE Indeed, and I believe you have wagered on the weaker side.

EDWARD I do not fear it; I have seen you both before. Since he is bettered, we have odds.

CHARLIE This one is too heavy, let me see another.

THAMLE This one feels good. These foils are all the same?

GUILLAUME Aye.

EDWARD Set the wine upon that table. If Thamle gives the first or second hit, or wins after the third, Let all the celebratory cannons fire; for I shall drink to his better health, and in his cup I shall throw a jewel richer than that which the past four kings of England have worn in their crowns. Now I drink to you, Thamle. Come, begin. And judges, keep a close watch.

_They duel_

THAMLE A hit!

CHARLIE No.

THAMLE Judgment?

GUILLAUME A hit, very true to its mark.

CHARLIE Quick, again.

EDWARD Nay, let him drink. Thamle, this emerald is thine; here's to your health.

_Cannons fire_

Give him the cup.

THAMLE I'll finish this round first, set it aside for now. Come.

_They duel_

Another hit, what say you?

CHARLIE A touch, I do confess.

EDWARD Our son shall win.

ELIZABETH Look, he's tired, and short of breath. Here Thamle, take my napkin and rub your brows. I drink to your fortune!

THAMLE Thank you, dear madam.

EDWARD Elizabeth, do not drink.

ELIZABETH I will, though I pray you pardon me.

EDWARD (Aside) It is the poison cup: it's too late.

THAMLE I dare not drink yet, madam.

ELIZABETH Let me wipe your face.

CHARLIE I'll hit him now.

EDWARD I do not believe it.

CHARLIE (Aside) And yet it's almost against my conscience.

THAMLE Come, for the third, you stall Charles. Give me your best, I am afraid you make a fool of me.

CHARLIE Say you so? Come on then.

_They duel_

GUILLAUME Nothing yet, either way.

CHARLIE Have at you!

_Wounds Thamle, then in following scuffle trade rapiers, and Thamle wounds Charlie._

EDWARD Drag them apart.

THAMLE No, come at me bro!

_Elizabeth falls_

GUILLAUME Look there, the governess!

GABRIEL They bleed on both sides. What is the ruling?

GUILLAUME What is it, Charles?

CHARLIE Why, I have fallen to my own treachery.

THAMLE How does my mother?

EDWARD She faints to see them bleed.

ELIZABETH No, no, it was—it was—alcohol, poisoning! O, I am slain.

_Dies_

THAMLE Ho! Villainy! Let the doors be shut! Seek out the betrayer!

CHARLIE It is here, Thamle: You art slain, with no cure that can do thee good; and you have not an hour left of life; the treacherous instrument is in your hand even now! Envenomed, the foul act has turned itself on me and here I lie, never to rise again. And the queen poisoned, the governors to blame.

THAMLE Then, blade, do what thy does best!

_Stabs Edward_

ALL Treason! Treason!

EDWARD Save me! I am but hurt.

THAMLE Here, you damned incestuous murderer, slayer of kin. Drink of this poison. Have you swallowed the Emerald? Follow my mother.

_Edward dies_

CHARLIE He is justly served; it is a poison he himself used. Exchange forgiveness with me, my and my father's deaths lie not on you, nor yours on me.

_Dies_

THAMLE Heaven make thee free of it! I follow thee. I am dead, Gabriel. Wretched mother, goodbye. You that look on this event, had I but time I could explain, but let it be. Gabriel, I am dead, and you live. Report the goings ons to those that are unsatisfied.

GABRIEL Never believe it: I am more a Roman than an Englishman. Look, theres some liquor left.

THAMLE IF you are a man, give me the cup, by heaven don't make me take it! If you ever held me in your heart, in this harsh world draw thy breath in pain, and tell my story.

_Marching and shots heard far off_

What warlike noise is this?

GUILLAUME It is Louis, triumphant in return from the savages, who to collect on his due imparts this warlike volley.

THAMLE O, I die Gabriel; I cannot live to hear the news from England, but I surmise the land will pass to Louis, he has my dying voice. So tell him, more or less, what has here occurred.

_Dies_

GABRIEL And so cracks my heart. Good night, sweet prince: And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest!

_Enter Louis, the English ambassadors, and soldiers_

LOUIS Where is this sight?

GABRIEL What is it you would see? If you seek woe or wonder, seek your search.

LOUIS This cries havoc. O proud death, what has occurred that so many nobles have been so bloodily struck down?

AMBASSADOR The sight is dismal; and our news from England came too late: The ears are senseless that should give us hearing, to tell him his commandment is fulfill'd, that Jean and John are dead. Where should we collect our thanks?

GABRIEL Not from this mouth, even if it had the ability to thank you. It did not give commandment for their deaths. But let me speak on what has occurred here, and you shall hear Of carnal, bloody, and unnatural acts, Of accidental judgments, casual slaughters, Of deaths put on by cunning and forced cause, And, in this upshot, purposes mistook Fall'n on the inventors' reads: all this can I Truly deliver.

LOUIS Let us hear it, and call everyone to audience. With sorrow do I embrace my fortune, but I do have some claim to this land.

GABRIEL And on that I have purpose to speak as well.

LOUIS Let the four captain bear Thamle, in military procession, to a grave of highest esteem; for he would likely, had it come to him, become a fair ruler of this land. And so, for his passage, the soldier's music and rites of war shall speak volumes for him. Take up the other bodies: such a sight as this befits a field of battle, but here shows much amiss. Now, before I bid the soldiers shoot.

_End_


End file.
